Being a Mommy

Being a Mommy is perhaps the most wonderful, fulfilling adventure I have ever been given the gift of. However, there are times, thankfully few and far between when I have to admit that I do not want to be a Mommy (or maybe I just wonder if I can really really handle it). I know, I know, that's terrible but the times that I am referring to are the times that my baby is sick. Those are the times when I feel so completely helpless, perhaps incompetent, when I would do anything to take it away from her and give it to myself, no matter the ailment. I can not stand the feeling of watching my baby, the heart outside my body, suffer and feel bad.

She's only 2, so hopefully we have many more ailments, colds, fevers and other whatnot to come, due to the fact that the alternative would be life without her, because fact of the matter is that children do get sick and as my Mom would so endearingly say, the alternative is the "big dirt nap" (of which I am also terrified).

So I'm sure you are wondering what on earth is wrong with my baby to make me say all this. Honestly, just a cold for the past 2 weeks and a fever that she had when I picked her up from preschool this afternoon. I have watched stuff pour out of my darling's nose for the past 2 weeks, which I hate so much for her, for obvious reasons. I found myself wondering tonight how her head feels and although she has been acting like her usual darling self until tonight I have wondered if she has been as annoyed by the "stuff" as I would be if it were my head or if that is more of a "learned behavior" to be so aggravated by it. And now, the fever. She didn't even want to eat dinner and I tell you this child has a very healthy appetite. Looking at her you'd think she never misses a meal... and believe me, she doesn't when she is feeling well.

I held her for the longest time tonight because I didn't want to put her to bed with her head on fire as it was. Held her for a good couple of hours and finally, a little while after giving her the tylenol she began to cool down a little and doze off. It's funny too, that I know, because she wants to be cuddled that she doesn't feel well, she has never been a cuddle bug, which has always been sad to me, however, nice at bedtime because even as an infant she always wanted to be put down and left alone to fall asleep. No endless hours of rocking and soothing as she has always wanted to do this on her own. I tell you what... she's Miss Independent.

In her short little life she has been a reasonably healthy child and I do indeed count my blessing for that.

Before we left the hospital 2 days after she was born we were visited by a pediatrician from the office I had selected for her care. She had come to release her from the hospital so we could go home. The pediatrician said that her bilirubin levels were kind of high and that they would let me take her home if I immediately called their office when I got home to set up an appointment for her to come in the following day. Of course, I agreed and did so. The next day we went into the office to have her bilibubin levels rechecked. Results? Levels were higher. So, the next day we did the same. Results? Levels were higher. This continued over the next few days with the same results. There was talk of admitting her to the hospital for light therapy (as was done me when I was a baby) but the hospital where she was born did not allow babies to be admitted back to the nursery after they were discharged and they did not have other facilities. That left us with the option of a children's hospital "over the water" or about 45 minutes from home. Doctor's didn't want to do that so they contacted a home health agency to bring us a "biliblanket" (a unit about the size of a greeting card with a long cord attached that goes on the baby's back and gives light therapy). She stayed on the biliblanket non-stop except for diapers changes and rare occasions for the next 2 weeks, during which time, every morning a home health nurse came and pricked my baby in the heals to test her levels. The levels went up and down, up and down. Doctor's were confused but decided the blanket was ineffective and to discontinue use while letting nature run it's course (after sending us to the children's hospital for a complete hepatic panel). Then, 1 night it was little my baby's body rid itself of the jaundice in a matter of hours (through a series of really odd looking diapers) and my nightmare in which I worried about liver function, brain damage and other terrible things was over as quickly as it began.

Last year we went through a major rash over ear infection of a 7 month period of time that resulting in hubby and I making the decision for her to get T-tubes in her ears. The thought of anesthesia was terrifying to me... although the whole procedure took no more than 5 minutes total and she was back in my arms within 20 minutes I AGONIZED over it for MONTHS before I convinced myself that it would be for the best. Since last December, when she got her tubes, she has had 0 ear infections and I realize that my agonizing made my baby suffer longer, leaving me feeling incompetent yet again.

Other than the jaundice and ear infections we have been so blessed and thankful. I live this life without the question "could it get any worse?" because if we don't all know, we should know, it can and it will.

So... now I'm questioning as to whether or not I should post this entry in which I admit that there are times that I do not think I can handle being a mother. Truly though I always feel like I manage to keep my composure and comfort and soothe even if my heart is hurting so bad while my head spins with feelings of incompetency. Please do tell... do all mothers feel this way?

For now, here's to having enough tissues and tylenol.